We now begin a regular feature, which should serve me well when feeling especially lazy, in which Hepcat Hermits honours those performers who have played not just one but two roles from DC Comics. This is not to slight Marvel, despite the fact that DC is generally my preferred brand, but is simply because Marvel's relatively short supply of live action material, though it is of course rapidly catching up.
Which brings me to the rules that I am arbitrarily imposing on the feature just so the scope doesn't get too out of hand.
Featured honourees will have to meet the following criteria:
1) Both roles will have to be of a character originally appearing in the comic. And so, someone like Lynda Carter must be excluded, despite the fact she played Chloe's mother on Smallville, since Chloe herself only exists in the Smallville universe aka Earth-Welling.
2) At least one role must be live action. The second role may be animated, but must be a different character. So Adam West is excluded, for despite appearing in both live action and animated form as Batman, he appeared as the same character.
And now, without further ado about nothing, we come to today's honouree, none other than the granddaddy of 'em all, loveable Lyle Talbot! Who appeared as Commissioner Gordon in 1949's Batman and Robin, and as Luthor in 1950's Atom Man vs. Superman. Great DC resume: two household names. Born in 1902, Talbot also starred in many films and serials of all types including Commando Cody: Sky Marshall of the Universe, as well as many television roles. His last performance was on an episode of the eighties Newhart. Aside from his comic book performances, perhaps most noteworthy to those of the Dementia Squad is that he appeared in Ed Wood's masterpiece, Plan Nine From Outer Space. He is also the narrator of Mesa of Lost Women.
Superman has Perry White. Batman has Commissioner Gordon. Guys who help the heroes.
Spider-man has J. Jonah Jameson. The Hulk has Thunderbolt Ross. Guys who try to kill the heroes.
Those poor Marvel guys. Their father figures are psycho dads! I guess it says something about Marvel coming up in a time of disillusionment with authority or something. I dunno, I'm just in it for the giant robots and talking gorillas.
Dig: Robot Torture! Witness: An alien slave girl forced to dance and then fed to a monster!
Feast your orbs on: A bikini girl in chains!
Aim your peepers at: A space hero who has been turned into a coffee table top!
Dare to lay eyes upon: The Planet of Man-eating Teddy Bears!
Encounter: A flying motorcycle chase! Confront: A Galactic Emperor cackling evilly as he shoots lightning from his fingers! All these, and other lurid pleasures await!
This is essential reading for today's discerning Hepcat Hermit. A guide to the comics of the 1960's. For the Hepcat Hermit, the sixties are sort of an cultural home base. A good deal of our favourite movies, music and comics were made at that time. It's a focal point.
Full of lavish illustrations, trivia, and goodnatured jibes about the era's excesses - for want of a better word, because without those "excesses" it would not be the era it was. Those excesses are just enough for me. Maybe I should say "necessities". Sections on fave rave topics such as Herbie Popnecker, Zatanna, and of course talking gorillas. Always, always talking gorillas. As Samuel Johnson once meant to say, a man who is tired of talking gorillas is tired of life. And as Samuel Jackson once said, "English, motherf**cker! Do you speak it?" To which Grodd replied, "Yes, dirty human."
Thanks to the Hepcat Honey who gave me this as a gift! It is cherished.
Check it out: They both just sort of hover there and have those circles. Jupiter is obviously an undercover Death Star. It looks exactly like the Death Star would under several billion tons of, I must say, pretty cheap make-up.
Another case in point: Ever seen Jupiter in the same room as a Death Star? No you haven't.This one's pretty well sewn up, let's face it.
The so-called blogosphere has been abuzz lately about Archie's wedding to Veronica. It's been decried as publicity stunt. How evil! That a comic company should want to sell comics!
The thing that cracks me up is people writing things like, "I haven't bought an Archie comic in years, but why would they do this?" You just answered your own question.
I don't know how many times people who don't collect comics have looked at new ones I bought and been aghast by changes made to the characters in the twenty years since they bought their last issue. People expect comic companies will just keep going, magically doing the same thing for years even if all their old readers have gone away. It is nice that comics excite the imagination to the extent that people feel that comics are immune to reality, but unfortunately it's just not true.
"I want it all to stay the same, but I don't want to have to pay for it! I don't want to have to do anything, it should just all be there for me!"
I think one of the worst fates which can befall a novel is that it become revered to the point where it's shrouded in a mist of intellectualism and is totally daunting to the neophyte reader. Then it becomes the dreaded Book That Is Often Discussed But Seldom Read. Brrr! I'm pretty sure no one sits down at a desk for years on end, crafting and composing, for their work to meet that fate.
Such is the unfortunate case with James Joyce's Ulysses, which is really a fun and accessible book, it has just had now almost 90 years for it to gain a reputation as labyrinthine tome. New readers are already psyched out before they open it.
In many ways, it should be the most accessible novel. It is much like our own lives, here 105 years after the day on which it takes place, June 16, 1904. It has people engaged in mundane activities such as nasal spelunking, making tea, and so on. In some ways it's the novel about nothing, except that it reveals how behind "nothing," much is going on. Everything is going on. It is in the monent, and in all moments, just like the minds of any Hepcat Hermit. For many of us, much of what's really going on is in our heads. It has one of the easiest plots to follow, in that it takes place over a day, as most will be aware of. So it's not some crazy long Russian saga, not to mention any names. It slows life down to its actual pace. In other words, the story is moving about as fast as you're reading it.
Some people are probably initially confused by the Stream of Consciousness technique developed by Joyce to express the stray thoughts entering the minds of the characters. But the confusion is part of the technique, because if you could suddenly hear the thoughts of other people, they'd almost certainly be confusing. Think about what you've thought about in the last minute, and how much sense it would make to someone suddenly peering in.
However, there is enough direct action to be able to follow what is physically going on, so that even if the reader doesn't understand everything in the thoughts, there is a line to pursue. The meaning of some of the thoughts that seemed esoteric at first become clear later. This rewards rereading, and it's always good to read a book that will mean even more the second, third, fourth time.
It should be remembered how often we watch movies where there are flashback sequences where all is not explained, but we are conditioned to be aware all will be explained eventually, and this is a reason for following the story, not for giving up on it. Bear in mind, when the novel came out, movies were in their infancy, there was not as much to feed one's appetite for weirdness. Many of the novel's sequences can be appreciated in the way one appreciates a trippy dream sequence. You may not know what it's all supposed to mean, but it's interesting. Something else that comes to mind is song lyrics. Many lyrics may be "inside," ie their meanings known only to the songwriter, if even that, but we'll still enjoy how they sound. Speaking of trippy dream sequences, here's a beaut, from The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies.
One of the fun things about the book is that after a reading it for a while, you might go out into public and spontaneously and discreetly (or obviously, it's up to you) start making up SoC for people you see on the street. It's a way for Hepcat Hermit to amuse himself while out in public. As they glance at you, what are they thinking? Or just go ahead and read it in a public place, looking up occasionally at life as it passes as it is in the novel. As we see in the photo, Marilyn knows what time it is. Maybe you'll run into a Cool Chick who's also reading Ulysses.
One of its main characters has one of the neatest names in lit, Stephen Dedalus. This is Joyce's codename for himself. The inspirations for much of the book is Greek mythology. This might seem pretentious, but the point is that really the truths of mythology are implicit in every day events, similar to the sorts of themes Joseph Campbell would write about later. I mean, here's a cartoon that incorporates Greek mythology, and you don't think that's pretentious, do you? No, it's awesome and amazing and fun. Here Mighty Hercules battles a different Dedalus.
For every mad scientist there must be an equal and opposite burlesque dancer.
This flick starts with a chick, a dancer, being jilted by a guy. Distraught, she drives her car down an embankment and ends up in an accident that scars her for life. Or is it for life?
A mysterious scientist, hearing of her plight, sends his lovely assistant to tell the chick that there's hope, and so she goes to his mysterious house to undergo the mysterious treatment. Which works...for a while...
The mad scientist's just a schoolboy at heart, and soon falls for his lovely patient. Unfortunately he finds that her treatment is not permanent, and the scars start coming back in some wonderful special effects transformation scenes. He realizes that he needs to kill young women to steal their life essence to restore her beauty, natch. In the world of mad scientists, beautiful women are the earth's most valuable natural resource. He has too much of a conscience to do kill, but turns to mad science for the solution and puts it to the test tube. He whips up a concoction that turns him into a soulless monster to make it all go easier. It also gives him fangs and quite a bushy bushy hairdo.
Meanwhile, she is tired of being cooped up despite his promises he will let her go after a final treament. The man who jilted her has been missing her and drowning his sorrows in other dancers, but now comes to realize she's alive. There is then some cat and mouse as the police go question the mad scientist, leading to a climax in a greenhouse. He just wanted to be loved!
It's a gothic science fiction romance/melodrama with much to recommend it, though it's not as exciting as some I've watched recently and some parts drag. A lot of the drama is oddly compelling, however. Here's the trailer. Interestingly, this includes a scene of her dancing. The copy I watched did not.
Hepcat Hermits dig Zatanna. She's a brunette and she wears fishnets in her civilian and superhero identities. This story is about the the Atom's first meeting with Zee and is illustrated by Gil Kane. If you like Gil in his more basic sixties style as opposed to the the more choppy style of later, this one's for you.
The thing I find particularly cool about this story is that Fox was clearly mixing together a love of fantasy with a love of science fiction by teaming a science based superhero with a magic based one. Zatanna recruits the Atom's help in trying to find her father. (This was an ongoing storyline of several sixties DC Titles, now compiled in Zatanna's Search, which contains this story.) Together they go to a world inside a single atom of a book of magic Zee has. That's so rad! They find a dangerous cat by the name of the Druid, who sics all sorts of nasties on them and drains Zee's magic. What's interesting to me is that with her magic drained, Zatanna's top hat falls off. This backs up my theory that Zee keeps it on during battle using magic. Her spells are spoken backwards, so likely she says, "Tah yats no!" It's important to bring this up as there is an unfortunate tendency lately to have Zee just walking around without her hat. Booooo!
Well, the Atom ends up figuring out a solution that involves no magic. He's a pretty crafty little guy. Also significant about this story is that the Atom has adapted his size changing device to be controlled by his fingers putting pressure on his palms. Sound familiar? Yes, clearly Ray Palmer had been reading some Spidey tales. No sooner does he make the change than he finds himself in a situation where his old controls on his belt would have spelled certain doom.
Every shot is extraordinarily well executed. It's a Silver Age beauty, and Kane's surreal subatomic trip is comparable with Ditko visuals. I was enchanted.
This one's got it all, kids! A haunted castle, overdubbing, a mad scientist lab, a torture chamber, creepy organ music composed by Mr. Ennio Morricone, ghosts, dreams, hallucinations...well it's a smorgasbord.
This is about a chicky-baby who sleeps with a dude, but then her everloving hubbykins dearest, who's an evil mad scientist natch, catches her and declares it a no-no. Hubbykins takes wifey down to the torture chamber of their cozy castle and it's on like Chakha Khan. Tortures them to death just for funsies. Suddenly the evil Doctor realizes he just screwed himself out of her will because she willed all her stuff to her step sister who's in a looney bin.
Hubbins finds out that step-sister's attractive, in fact looks just like his dead wife which is a crazy coinkedenk until we find out that she is played by the same actress, sensashe Barbara Steele, except she's blond. So he marries her to get at that sweet, sweet inheritance, after she's been declared well enough by her doc.
Meanwhile Hubbins was never exactly an angel as far as marital fidelity goes, as he was sleeping with a maid whose youth and beauty he restored with his mad scientist skills - as a sort of side project to all the torturing and murder. She natch is not too happy that Blondie's set up shop at the Fun Palace, but everloving Hubby says chill, we'll give her hullucino-jens so she gets good and insane, once they lock her up in a looney bin we'll have the castle all to ourselves, just us and the corpses. This leads to a whale of a good time in the old castle tonight!
Barbara Steele is a wonderful horror actress. I'm sorry I'm not making the Rue Morgue horror festival this year in Toronto, she's a guest and so is Roger Corman. Jump back!
Just finished watching Gilligan's Island Season 1. Hard to decide which castaway had gone more insane from the isolation. By the end I'm thinking that a gorilla featured in the plot isn't really there, it's just a manifestation of their collective psychoses. That last shot of it skipping along merrily with a mate is haunting.
But in a way, aren't we all like that gorilla? And isn't every gorilla us?
I do think it's time to change the name of the human race to Gorillas-R-Us. It would be more accurate. Plus it might throw the aliens off when they invade, for just that split second we need. I mean when we tell them they might be confused. Something to think about. Though if the aliens turn out to be talking gorillas, that could really throw in a monkeywrench.
The realism revolution that has been polluting comic books for at least 20 years now is really nothing new, although it came first in a different form to the older and somewhat more respected - in the sense that pinball games might be slightly more respected than video games - form of the newspaper comic strip.
In a wonderful 1965 essay by Mordecai Richler, "The Great Comic Book Heroes", which was partially a review of Jules Feiffer's book of the same name, Richler first gives a rundown of the sorts of exciting superhero stories that were prevalent in the comics of his youth in the forties, of which Feiffer's book was one of the earliest anthologies. He then reflects on the newspaper comic strips of the sixties:
"How puerile, unimaginative, today's comic strips seem by comparison. Take Rex Morgan, M.D., for instance. In my day, to be a doctor was to be surrounded by hissing test tubes and vile green gases. It was to be either a cackling villain with a secret formula that would reduce Gotham City to the size of a postage stamp or to be a noble genius, creator of behemoths who would bring hope to oppressed multitudes. The best that can be expected of the loquacious Dr. Morgan is that he will lecture us on the hidden dangers of medicare. Or save a student from LSD addiction. There's no magic in him. He's commonplace. A bore."
And I'd rather read Rex Morgan than a dozen "mature" titles that popped up in the last twenty years or so. Of course, Richler was likely thinking that comic strips represented comic books as well, and did not realize that the wonderful Silver Age was then in its full swing. In comic books, the commonplace boredom was still to come. Luckily, there have still been those hidden sources of treasure even during these bad years, and now the mentality seems to be swinging back, with DC Wednesday Comics (which also count as comic strips!), and regular titles such as Power Girl - as people remember that comic books once held it as their sacred duty to provide fun in a world too often deprived of it.
We are already half way through the greatest event of the summer, namely DC Wednesday Comics. Already the best of the best appears to be Paul Pope's Strange Adventures.
I believe in a universe with talking barbarian mandrills flying space ships. I honestly do. The great thing about space is it really has not been demystified yet. We don't know what's out there. Maybe not talking apes. Probably something weirder! Too weird to imagine!
Two years ago I bought this album and listened to it a few times, thought it was okay but not spectacular, and put it away where it would have collected dust but I'm pretty neat even with things I'm not using. That's just how I roll.
Today as I was looking for music to play during my work out, since many of us Hepcat Hermits like to keep in shape and have some groovy music to listen to while doing it, I saw this and suddenly remembered, "Oh yeah, the Beasties put out an album of instrumentals a few years ago. Maybe I'll give that a try."
AND WAS AMAZED!!!
Yes, sometimes there are things which work best without a lot of preconceived notions. This is the sort of album that, if you are expecting one thing, you may be disappointed. But if you heard it somewhere and didn't know who it was, you would say, "Hey, this is great! Who is it?"
It's funky! It's groovy! It swings! It sings!
This is seventies action movie music, even more proficiently performed than the sort of music made by the very excellent Morricone Youth. This is music for a car chase, for an opening credits sequence, for the sun coming up over an urban mystery. Music to crash through windows in slow motion by!
My newfound appreciation may just have to do with having gotten into Italian crime movies of the seventies in the last couple years, such as this little gem starring Luc Merenda, who was most recently seen in Hostel II. (I love the part at about :40 where the guy gets shot through the porno mag. Wonderful and hilarious noir sin & cynicism, the fear of every guilty young boy brought to life. Yes, shoot me, just don't tell my mother!) This piece is from the soundtrack, and much of the music on The Mix-Up is in that style, but with the unmistakeable Beasties stamp on it.
Want to feel you're in a Quentin Tarantino movie, but don't want to turn to a life of crime? Who wants to pull heists, since that involves (yuck!) group activities? But we dig the Tarantino type music.
This record will set you up, featuring well known and more obscure soul and funk hits of the seventies. Lots of dancing for today's discerning Hepcat Hermit, solo or perhaps with a special Cool Chick.
We're first treated to a truncated, Listener's Digest version of the familiar Isaac Hayes tune, "Theme From Shaft." He's a complicated Hepcat Hermit, no one understands him but his Cool Chick, or at least his precooked chicken.
Moving along, we've got the Staples Singers "Respect Yourself," featuring some wonderful spare percussion and sardonic verses filled with admonishments we may at least be saying in our minds to Eschewed Personality Types as they come along. Other treats include Detroit Emeralds "Baby Let Me Take You", the opening of which is sampled in De La Soul's "Say No Go." The first side closes out with the mostly instrumental, funky "Why Can't We Live Together" by Timmy Thomas.
Second side has a lot going on, opening with the Chi-Lites' "(For God's Sake) Give More Power to the People." We come along to one of the most danceable tunes of all time, James Brown's "Good Foot Part One" and then a song which is actually featured in Reservoir Dogs, Joe Tex's "I Gotcha". Another favourite turned out to be Honey Cone's "Want Ads". I don't know why I liked the song so much, as it's about a topic alien to my experience, ie advertising to find a boyfriend, but it's just a nicely delivered tune.
This record has found its way permanently into Hepcat Hermit mythology. It makes a brief appearance at the beginning of the following wonderful Filmation style video, which is a nice retelling of the basic Hepcat Hermit Hero monomyth. An HH-er is digging his tunes in his Groovy Pad and enjoying activities such as working on an Austin Powers impression when suddenly he realizes in a moment of weakness he has lent a favourite record, perhaps to an unappreciative Regular Person, and must don a favourite, empowering article of clothing and venture into the Outside World in quest of it. Here he encounters many perils such as fresh air, and a seeming Cool Chick who turns out to be an Eschewed One in disguise. Then our hero is in a situation where he must imagine he is Indiana Jones in order to survive. Good thing for the Hepcat Hermit's constant fantasy life. It's how we survive outside. Let's watch, shall we?
They're back and they couldn't be any less enthusiastic about it. The Super Freakniks themselves, the Doom Patrol, now with a groovy symbol worn on various accessories; a lower case d juxtaposed with an upper case P: dP (sort of).
New series is written by Keith Giffen, whose DC credentials as both artist and writer are solid going back to about the late seventies. He's worked all the G's: goofy, grim, gritty, groovy and even created or at least recreated Lobo as a parody of Badass! heroes of the nineties but found if you toy with irony you may be taken seriously, ie The Main Man was embraced by the very kinds of fans he was mocking. But Lobo is a lot of fun no matter how you take him, one of the more inspired creations (or recreations) of the nineties.
Now we get to the Doom Patrol, and they're back in a new adventure with an opening scene that expresses their name, in the sense that they're on a mission (Patrol) and one of the characters is Doomed. They find a secret lab full of what appear to be Parasite clones, though the creatures don't sap the DP's powers so possibly it's something else. The original trio is in the company of Nudge, who first appeared in Chris Claremont's run of JLA. She has the power to order weak willed beings around (That separates her from other attractive females how? Bwahahahaha!). As her thrall she has apparently selected a four armed gorilla named Grunt, which I think is a good choice on her part. It's what I would have done. Nudge and Grunt, what a team, a concept rich with suggestion...until five minutes into the story where she is sliced to smithereens by enemy fire as the rest of the team run, Indy style, to the getaway chopper being flown by Dusty Gal (a character reminiscent of Jet Girl from Tank Girl comics). Grunt takes off and is not heard from again, for the issue. This fatalistic opener sets us up for the rest of the story, which is quite talky, as the Super Freakniks talk around their feelings regarding her death. This is Giff's approach to the team, that the "Doom" part of their name indicates they are fatalistic and expect, possibly even hope, to be killed on their "Patrols". Elasti-Girl even expresses that she is jealous of Nudge (!). Negative Man lives up to his name in more ways than one. And Robot Man's responses to the tragedy are robotic. It's all funny and tragic at the same time, and makes for a very adequate first ish. And then there is a Metal Men back up feature that reunites Giffen with his other creators of the fun and hilarious Justice League International title of the late eighties. I'm glad to see back up features are back at DC! Huzzah! In the same month as an Adventure Comics revival!
The art on DP is decent, executed by Matthew Clark. He shows potential, but some story telling elements are muddled, and technically he falters. There are some nice single shots, as when Elasti-Girl smashes an enemy helicopter between her fists while she's blown up to giant size. What a way to go-go. Speaking of which, the cover concept is smart, the trio bursting out of an old cover from the sixties, representing that this title is embracing and escaping the team's Silver Age roots all at once. Hopefully there will still be some freaky looking giant robots in the book's future.
These are the facts as we know them. We hold these truths to be completely idiosyncratic and based on personal preference.
Hepcat Hermits dig movies. What's more, most of the movies we dig, many of them, are what are referred to often as B Movies. B Movies are our A Movies. It is a fine appellation as it denotes a certain type of film, and for clarity's sake we appropriate it.
What seems a little more absurd is that often the movies we like are referred to as bad movies. This seems strange as we enjoy the movies. To call something that is enjoyed bad is a little odd.
This then is a guide to what factors are in a movie that make it good, at least to a student of the Dementia Way. Bear in mind a movie does not need to contain all these factors but often a combination of several is favoured. It usually takes some indefinable X Factor added by the creators to really make a Hepcat Hermit Classic, such as a Spider Baby or a Faster Pussycat...Kill! Kill! This quality is hard to define, but it exists somewhere in the realms of unbridled enthusiasm and charming naivete. However, any movie with a few of these elements will usually be enjoyable. So on with the list:
Gorillas, preferably portrayed by people in gorilla costumes
Burlesque dancing
Robots, not too expensive looking, electronic voices preferred
Go-Go dancing
Mad scientists
People who turn into monsters
Laboratories
Hallucinations and trippy dream sequences
"Legit" actors playing a B role (ie Ray Milland in The Thing With Two Heads)
Boris Karloff
Vintage Vernacular (ie "dig")
Bikinis
Beefy, bulky, pre 1970's muscle men, probably with wavy hair, shiny skin, glittering teeth, and some sort of animal print garment.
Talking brains in a jar, usually with a German accent.
Nazis as villains or laughingstock, or both, post WWII (since if it's during WWII, that makes it simply a war movie)
Tribal dances and rituals, generally involving hypnotic drumming, possibly snakes
Bizarre camera angles, inexplicable close-ups and zooms
Process shots (ie for surfing, driving, skiing)
Inane rants and stern moralistic lectures (ie Scum of the Earth's celebrated "All you kids make me sick" tirade)
Houses and castles that either are haunted, are supposed to be haunted, or at least look haunted
Trap doors and secret passage ways in same
Fad dances (ie the monkey, the twist)
Fad dances while a rock band plays
Overdubbing, for a foreign film, preferable to subtitles, which distract from the visuals, are less hilarious, and, contrary to popular opinion, are no more "accurate"
Secret Agents, spies, agencies with acronyms for names
Model sets
Rampages of some kind, usually destroying model sets
So you've decided you hate fun. You've decided you aren't going to read silly comics with rampaging giant robots, talking gorillas, or people able to lift more than a hundred tons. So what's left?
The non-magical world of Realistic comics. Yes, there are comics out there which are highly Realistic for a great many reasons. Many of them, in fact most of them, also qualify as Grim and Gritty. If you read nothing but Grim and Gritty comics, you will be one of the cool comic fans and can rest in the satisfaction of how mature, worldly, cynical and sophisticated you are.
Here is a list of things to look for:
-No talking gorillas.
-People eating in a restaurant.
-People sitting in a board room
-Use of guns
-Lots of swearing
-Characters have attitude
-Characters are "badasses"
-Characters speak in witty word play, just like people do in real life
-Dialogue is "hip and edgy"
-People wear dark clothes
-The cover is people posing
-The Mafia is involved in the plot
-street gangs are involved in the plot
-the plot involves horrible elements such as war, rape, crack addiction and human trafficking. It is important to read comics covering these subjects, so that you are exposed to the real world. Never mind that if your life actually involved these elements, it's highly unlikely you'd want to read a comic about it.
-It's raining almost constantly
-No one is ever in a good mood
-It's usually night
-the heroes, or should I say anti-heroes, have perfect hair and are fit
-most of the people in it are martial arts experts
-characters are well trained enough to walk into a room and kill everyone within a few seconds, even if the other people are also well trained. They weren't well trained enough.
-Villains, or antagonists, are fat and bald. There can be one charismatic villain who is fit and has perfect hair. He of course will make a plan which conflicts with the plans of the fatter, balder villains. This will lead to a Mexican standoff - everyone pointing guns at each other - as so many situations in our daily lives often end up.
NOWyou can hang out with the cool comic fans because you only read comics which reflect real life. Someone's real life. Somewhere. Possibly.
If you absolutely must read comics which involve superpowers, here are the things to look for:
-Dark, inscrutible costumes. A skull motif is good. If Superman existed, people would laugh at his colourful costume. No matter how many times he put his fist through brick walls, no one would ever take him seriously.
-"Cool" powers, ie nothing improbable such as being able to inflate your body and bounce around, instead it should be something probable involving claws that rip out of your skin every time you use them and are part of what would be a one thousand pound skeleton.
-If a character has super strength, they are unable to lift more than 100 tons. The idea of lifting more than that is ridiculous, but for ninety tons or so, it's full steam ahead.
-Still have people eating in restaurants, sitting in board rooms, etc
-Characters should often look like they're wearing coloured contacts when they use their powers.
-Again, people should be posing on the cover. People pose constantly in real life, so a comic should reflect that if it wants to be realistic.
-Lots of shadows.
-Rain, rain, rain.
-People wear trench coats over their costumes. Probably because of all the rain.
-No one is ever in a good mood, they all have attitudes and are badasses.
-Someone who has never killed before decides to kill; or at least-
-Someone who was once thought of as a good person does something evil.
-Historical events are referenced.
-Teammates never get along.
-No smiling, ever!
-Stubble is good.
Never say you have fun reading these comics. You don't read them as an escape from your daily life like those foolish people who read silly comics about events that could never happen in Real Life.
You read them because you are mature. You read Realistic Grim & Gritty comics because they are, like you, Badass. It's a good key word to remember. In comic books, Badass equals mature.
You're a Hepcat Hermit. You don't get out much. You don't want to get out much. Not getting out much is still too much getting out. You like your life. You enjoy it. You like being your own best friend.
However, there comes a time when we of the double-H persuasion will begin to think it might be nice to have someone over at our Groovy Pads, and possibly a person of the opposite gender persuasion. It might be nice to have someone over on a regular basis who digs what we dig, and who is at least interested in digging what they don' t already dig, and if they don't dig it, will at least not be a jerk about it.
Go mingle and get unsingle! (Or not.)
So the problem becomes, how does a reclusive yet groovy loner meet someone for dating purposes? Well, here are some tips from the wealth of my experience.
The Internet - this is what the youngsters refer to as a no-brainer. Most of us are on it a lot already. You're on it right now! I see you! Just kidding. But Myspace and other social networking sites are fine for bright boys and girls like you. And don't have any pride about resources that are more blatant, ie dating sites. That's what they're there for! For the HH-er, it's peferable to most other channels, you get to look at a profile and communicate with the person beforehand without evenmeeting them. If you do decide to meet the person, you just might like them. If not, they have no other connection to your life.
By Accident - this is tricky. You can't really cause this to happen. Hence the word "accident". But occasionally, you'll end up having someone in your life and not really know how it happened. Some Cool Chick has selected you and just sort of worked her way in. It's a groovy way to go, swingers!
Your Mother - I mean let your mother set you up with someone. Again, don't have any pride about this! Who's gonna know? If your mom sets you up with her friend's daughter, give it the old try. However, if it goes awry, making a clean getaway can be tough.
Have An Imaginary Girlfriend - This has its obvious downside, ie she doesn't actually exist. But think of the pluses. She's there when you want her to be. And Hepcat Hermits probably have an almost limitless store of possible candidate, everyone from Julie London to Supergirl. Switch as often as you like!
Don't - That's right, just decide meh. Who needs the hassle? We like our lives just as they are. That's what makes us Hepcat Hermits. This may seem defeatist, but it's when you adopt this attitude that #2 has the best chance of happening anyway. Though that works best if you've put it completely out of your mind. Or, as that great philosopher of our time, Paris Hilton, once said, "Don't be desperate." You let yourself get desperate and you'll end up feeling like a Loser, and that's not the Hepcat Hermit way. We don't allow situation to dictate self image. You've got your cool movies, good books, crazy comics and your boss tunes to enjoy in your Groovy Pad. You know your the hippest cat around. Life is good.
He sleeps on his couch. He's obsessed with alien abduction. He's watched Plan Nine From Outer Space 42 times and watches it, he says, so that his mind will make intuitive leaps of logic.
He doesn't keep much company except for the company of one of the grooviest redheads since Ann-Margret. The people he associates with are because of his work. The main others are three hermits of distinct types: The Slob, The Nerd, and the Creep.
He favours one particular type of food, as do many of us. In his case it's sunflower seeds.
His pad is groovy. Dark, but groovy.
In some ways he has an HH fantasy job. He works for an agency, carries a badge, and occasionally gets to chase people and shoot at them. But part of his job involves clerical work, much like the jobs so many of us have. He is fortunate that he gets his own basement office and generally gets paid to pursue his passions. And occasionally shoot at them.
He keeps himself groomed and in shape. He goes on vacation by himself to Graceland! Oh, that's legendary!
He may or may not be a porn freak. Almost every HH-er has a flaw that prevents him from being an ideal Hepcat Hermit. Ironically, having one flaw or another is almost an HH necessity. Most HH-ers prefer pinups to porn, but his credentials are otherwise so flawless we'll certainly let that one slide. It's the exception that proves he rules.
Fox Mulder is one of the greatest Hepcat Hermits of all time.
These panels are from Teen Titans andAmazing Spider-man respectively.
In them, two of comics' flirtiest female characters are using the same colloquialism, ie addressing an onlooker (in the former case the reader him or herself) as Mary Jane's "Tiger" or in the case of Wonder Girl by the plural "Tigers" denoting that presumably Teen Titans has more than one reader.
So the burning bright question becomes - whichcamefirst?
The answer is the Spider-man panel. It is from 1966 while the Titans panel is from 1969. Therefore, by the parameters established in the previous post, Teen Titans is a *COMPLETE RIPOFF* of Amazing Spider-man.
But not really. Both comics rule and are quite distinct from each other. And both those final panels make my face look like this :) on account of them being so cool, and drawn so beautifully by two super artists, John Romita, Sr. and Nick Cardy* (Spidey and Titans respectively).
What else do these two things have in common? Why, the best thing of all! Both have amazing theme songs! When there's trouble you know who to call! The Hepcat Hermit! Like a streak of light he arrives just in time!
This is a movie about cavemen and the women who don't mind them. It's directed by a guy with the Marvel Comics-esque name of Freddie Francis and was made in 1970.
It stars Joan Crawford, her last flick. I love seeing legit stars in monster movies. It's a crossover from the world of Regular People to my world. The world of...The Dementia Squad.
Three guys find a cave. Inside this cave they find a caveman. He is surprised by their visit and shortly three guys become two guys, one of whom is permanently freaked out by the experience. The one still holding on to his sanity and groovy coif escorts anthropologist Joan back to the cave. She snaps a pic, a cop goes ick, and then it gets sick.
Cavey-baby has a half-hearted, unenthusiastic rampage, probably realizing he'll need his energy for the bigger climactic rampage later in the picture. The kid's got a sense of theater! A hypo gun comes into play and the beastie is captured. Joan's convinced now that the missing link is no longer missing. Joan puts him in a cage, feeds him rolly-polly fishheads, names him Trog short for Troglodyte, then forces him to play with dolls. Due to Joan's legit background, she doubtless doesn't realize that if you teach a monster to play with a doll, it will guarantee later he'll want to kidnap real little girls. That's one reason people should watch as many monster movies as possible, you learn stuff like that.
We've got science repped by Joan and her assistants, we've got authority repped by the coppers and later the army, so what's left? Religion, natch, here personified by Michael Gough who has something against Trog, probably, for the purposes of the film, that Trog isn't mentioned in the Bible. Gough prefers Gog and Magog to Trog.
This forms the simple but effective mythical triad of the modern moral debate that is featured in many sci fi and horror movies - science, state, church. As is typical of films of the period, religion comes off the most nutty and hysterical, science the most compassionate and even- minded, and authority the most pigheaded and pragmatic. These days, in films, science and liberal politics are all mixed up like pasta primavera, and the perceived relevance of religion to the debate is implied by the filmmaker often not including it; except sometimes as comic relief, since religion is politically a relatively safe foil. Christians might get mad at you, but very seldom do they engage assassins. Which makes me wonder what was supposed to be so daring about Religulous.
But enough about that, make with the freakin' rampage! Once Gough whips Trog into a frenzy and leaves his cage open, it's off to the races! Trog gives heed to the HH creed, and goes ape! (It ain't a long trip, obviously.) A reasonable amount of mayhem ensues, including a gory scene in a butcher shop. That scene climaxes with a grisly putting-a-person-on-a-meathook scene that precedes Texas Chainsaw Massacre by a few years, if you're the sort of person who keeps score on what precedes what, which seems to be a fixation of many internet trivia hounds. "Oh my begleebers, Chainsaw is a 'COMPLETE RIPOFF' of Trog! I must warn the rest of the world before they foolishly declare Texas Chainsaw Massacre a groundbreaking horror movie with absolutely no similarity to any film that preceded it! Because only a movie with absolutely no similarity to any movie that preceded it can possibly be thought of as original and creative!"
But here's another barn-burner: Before the movie Trog, there was a band called The Troggs who made groovy music like this song.
And here's a tune from 1972, Jimmy Castor Bunch's "Troglodyte", another of the many songs celebrating the Hepcat Hermit lifestyle but acknowledging that sometimes it's "cherchez la femme" time. Picture the Hepcat Hermit at home, listening to his stereo.
**SPOILER ALERT: POWER GIRL COMIC SERIES** Power Girl is a blonde we definitely do like. There are twobig reasons to love Power Girl, and they are as follows:
1) She's Superman's cousin. 2) She's Superman's cousin from another reality, the only thing that could make being related to Superman even more dope.
She's finally got a comic title to call her own which is called Power Girl. They were going to call it House of Mystery but it turned out that was taken. It's written by Jimmy Palmiotti who seems anxious to make up for the lack of fun in his Jonah Hex series. I kid, but jeez. That was strictly snoozeville! How it made me long for the nineties Joe R. Landsdale JH series, which were darkish, but funny and also dabbled in the supernatural. Jonah was no less of a "badass", that quality beloved by the grim and gritty gang, but also had a certain warmth. For instance, he had no qualms about shooting old ladies through the head (evil ones, mind you) but he'd also make funny quips and asides to the reader.
Anyhoo(ters)*, JP is clearly getting his yayas out exploring PG's full-bodied* adventures. The art is done by Amanda Conner, so for the Hepcat Hermit who has chosen Power Girl as his imaginary girlfriend, a topic I'll cover in a later blog, if you find yourself gazing** wistfully at Power Girl's - as Seinfeld might have put it - qualities prized by the superficial man, you can at least rest well knowing a female artist is complicit in said activities. Sort of. Though for the love of Rao try not to be creepy about it.
I missed the first issue, something I tend to do accidentally on purpose a lot because first ishes are often boring set-up, though in this case perhaps it wasn't. But two and three weren't bad.
For one thing, she's taking on the Ultra-Humanite, who is a super intelligent talking gorilla. He varies from other talking gorillas of the DC universe because he has white fur and his head is sorta veiny and bulgy. Like Ilya Kuryakin on his episode of original Outer Limits. I say original because he was also in an episode of the nineties version, if memory swerves. Veiny, bulgy heads are plain awesome. If everyone had a veiny bulgy head, it would be a better world.
UH has PG strapped down a lot, which isn't so cool as HH-ers are generally not into the bondage thing, unless it's Bettie because Bettie makes it funny. Or perhaps Eric Stanton because his stories are so weird you can't tear your eyes away. And the Marquis De Sade was a cited influence of OG Hepcat Hermit Henry Miller. Also, Bloody Pit of Horror is a fun movie and has some tied-up-ness. Fine, we love bondage!
The point is, this monkey ain't playing pattycake. Not even one tiny little bit.
Peej, as she is referred to as by one of her friends, has a lot of little quips she throws at Monkeybrains before he loses it and they have a throwdown, then yada yada, he's burnt to almost a crisp but is still alive. This part worries me, because it smacks of a revising of UH from being an awesome talking white gorilla to being a burnt to a crisp guy, which will be perceived as more "realistic" and "grim and gritty" by the sorts of comics fans eschewed by El Hepcat Hermit Numero Uno***, aka me. There can never be too many gorilla villains. There can however be too many horribly scarred villains. There already are. Stop!
I also had to kind of zip past some drama going on with some characters in what appeared to be a boardroom or something. Showing a board room is one of the little narrative devices meant to make readers feel like what they are seeing is "real". I read a bit of the dialogue, then I thought enough of this and skipped ahead to more Peej and the Ape.
It's her charisma as a character that carries it. Media is full of spunky, feisty, aggressive female characters. However, Peej is one of the few, if not the only one, who can actually split a mountain in half with her fist (I assume), which changes the entire dynamic. Then the feistiness and spunkiness becomes much less of a psychout routine. It's for real. She doesn't have to demand anyone's respect. You give it or you're kayoed. The closest character I can think of is Xena, who of course isn't strong enough to split mountains, but damn, the girl is hellzapoppin' at doing flips and throwing that wheely-cutty thing around.
The last panel sets up the next storyline, which seems to be, are you ready, Disco QueensfromOuterSpace! Seriously! Invading the earth! They're flying towards earth in a spaceship with a Groovy Pad inside of it! Oh, this reporter is way on board for that.
Peej is the subject of a wonderful set of internet movies starring Tawnya Manion, who really captured the tougher side of the character, along with her innate sweetness. Not since the days of Lynda Carter has a superheroine been so well embodied* in another medium. All kidding aside, she's dynamite.
In the preceding motion picture, Bizarro demonstrated many behaviors typical of the Creep, that group of hermits to which we do not belong. He is a Scary Monster and a Super Creep. Yes, like the Bowie song. Speaking of songs, here's a song that could almost be about our Peej, just replace the Flower Girl with Power Girl and you're set.
*sorry!
**HH-ers never ogle or leer, only gaze in a tasteful fashion when it's appropriate.
***I kid, all HH-er's are on equal footing on shaky ground.
The relationship that today's modern Hepcat Hermit has with being outside is problematic. We, to a man, or possibly woman, prefer to be indoors as much as possible, obviously not indoors somewhere else if we can help it, but in our Groovy Pads and Funk Shacks.
We of course do appreciate that the outdoors is necessary to our lives, in the sense that it provides the oxygen which allows us to continue living and reading comics and listening to boss tunes, etc. But much like society itself, we like having it there but do not necessarily want to be in close quarters with it.
For many of us the outdoors is like a hostile environment which we must brave for certain periods in order to get to the bookstore, the record store, comic store, the video store, and work. It can be viewed as something akin to the irradiated nuclear wasteland featured in some of the movies we enjoy. Hostile, because out there we may encounter the sorts of people that we usually avoid at almost all costs. An ex, or someone we used to know who is a Scrutinizer or a One-upper, or any of a number of undesirable personality types might be lurking, just as those cinematic irradiated wastelands are populated by mutants and cannibals.
Plus, we generally don't like a lot of sunlight.
Some of us are a little more acclimatized. Many even do enjoy the outdoors to a certain extent. For instance, among the Hepcat Hermits are probably some of the greatest long distance walkers in the world, but of course we would never prove it in an actual competition, as that would be boring and fairly pointless and involve some socializing. Today's discerning Hepcat Hermit also likes some physical activity. Maybe likesis too strong a word, but many are known to engage in running or other forms of fitness because we do not wish to be Slobs, and also have found being limbered up allows us greater enjoyment of our more sedentary activities. And we do like to look good, at least to ourselves. The physical activity, like everything, is generally done alone. No HH-er worth his jellybeans participates in group sports, unless the only motivation is as a way of meeting Cool Chicks.
Some of us actually favour certain types of outdoor weather. Many will enjoy walking in the rain as it allows a sense of solitude while being out of our Groovy Pads. And since that type of weather drives regular people indoors, it cuts down on unwanted encounters.
There are of course things worth seeing while outdoors. There can be cool looking old buildings, houses that look haunted, vintage cars being driven around, or interesting old store signs. Heck, some of us might even like to see the occasional tree, especially one that is say twisted and gnarled in a compelling fashion. And we're certainly not opposed to the smell of flowers. We like nice smells. And of course there can also be Cool Chicks walking about.
And sometimes, even though we are often travelling incognito, almost invisibly, out there in that wild territory, we sometimes spot each other. Yesterday I was outside, on my way back from the record store, and saw a man wearing neatly pressed white slacks, a white button down shirt, and a thick gold chain around the collar of his shirt. He had a mustache and his hair done in a seventies style. He was alone. That was a guy who was being cool on his Own Terms, and looking The Way He Wants To Look, with no regard for current fashion or what other people think. I said to myself, "That cat knows what time it is." And then I continued on home.
Yikesville!!! This flick's got plenty o'scary stuff in it! Lots of gross stuff too, like blood and ick. Hepcat Hermits are sort of on the fence about gross stuff, admittedly. Some of us like Bloodsucking Freaks, for instance. That movie's gross and a bit disturbing, but also sort of funny and has a creepy midget in it, maybe the creepiest movie midget of all time, Ralphus. If you liked the walls of sewn together bodies ( Ewww! Super ick! But also kinda cool) from Jeepers Creepers, you may enjoy certain aspects of Repo. If not, well there are some other redeeming qualities.
Plenty o'groovy chicks, for instance, and it seems like there's not a non-brunette in sight! Hepcat Hermits are notorious (in their own minds and what's wrong with that?) for generally preferring brunettes, except in certain instances such as Jayne Mansfield, who's blonde, or Nancy Sinatra who is, well, sorta multiple choice. And then there's Ann-Margret, who's a redhead. But she's THEredhead, dig? & we really we dig a lot of groovy chicks, it's just that it's probably 3-1 in favour of the brownheads, for some reason.
There are lots of fishnets and interesting boots. This movie takes place in the future, which is a plus. We learn that in the future people will all wear black and enjoy getting unnecessary surgery as well as breaking into song at the drop of a corpse. Lots of music is generally not a problem, but what is a problem that Hepcat Hermits usually dig songs that are short and catchy, with the exception of the occasional Pink Floyd, and the songs in Repo are usually long and not catchy.
Some actors appear who may be known to the HH - Tony Head, the guy that played Giles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one of the grooviest shows of what regular people would refer to as recent years, as well as Paul Sorvino and Bill Moseley, just to name a few. Moseley we like because he was a fun wackjob in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and a scary wackjob in several flicks by Mr. Robert Zombie. Here he's just as evil as ever, and singing up a bloodstorm.
The absolute best part, for our purposes, is a girl who has artificial eyes that can project holograms! That's so cool! It's like her eyes are R2-D2! Now I wonder, would she be able to see the holograms? As we like to say here - sure, why not?
BONUS: Speaking of Star Wars*, hot on the heels of Repo I watched Fanboys. What can I say? The movie is completely cliche ridden, and one contrived scene follows after another. Yet despite these qualities, I didn't like it much. Partly because it presents all Stars Wars fans as being, well, like the guys in the movie. We're not all like that, though it's not really a big problem since we HH-er's like to stay secret and hidden like the rebel base, so the film functions as good anti-propoganda. It's hard to decide which of the characters I liked least, and generally, the Hepcat Hermit likes a movie with likable** characters. The flick does have Veronica Mars in it and guess what? She's not blonde anymore! She's brunette! She has come over to the dark hair side! HH-ers dig brunettes, Mars, and girl sleuths, so that part's kinda boss. Princess Leia and Captain Kirk also appear! So that's okay. It also has the guy that played Jimmy Olsen in Superman Returns. Unfortunately, in neither movie does he marry a gorilla.
The laughs in Fanboys come fast and furious at a breakneck pace of at least once half an hour. Well, maybe not that bad, but for a comedy I was definitely not getting the heehaws as much as I'd like. Maybe it was the mood I was in, though? You never know. The characters do have a van with Star Wars stuff painted on it, so that's all right.
*In news that's called a segue, when you talk about one thing then go into another, but tie it together. It's pronounced seg-way. They used to report the news without segues and then Watergate happened. Coincidence?
**(Am I really supposed to write likable without an "e" after "k"? I dunno, it looks like lickable to me. Well, you know best, magic computer).
...was born at a very young age. He was born yesterday. He is a certified hepcat hermit. Resolutely so. He eschews the company of most people. He collects comics and records, reads books, watches movies and finds parties very boring. Which dovetails neatly with never being invited.
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