Stuff White & Nerdy People Hate: Anatomy of Comic Movie Criticism

Here are the steps to becoming an effective comic movie critic:

-Read many or all the comics the movie will be based on. If you read them all when you were twelve, that's even better. Retain your idealized memory of them.
-If you read them recently, mentally boil all the comics down to what you consider their best moments.
-As you are doing this, dispel from your mind any memory of those moments in the comic you felt were silly, ie, villains of the month who weren't Badass!
-Now, expect the movie will basically comprise exact duplications of those "best" moments.
-Do not for a second consider the possibility comics engage the imagination in a way in which movies do not.
-Expect a two or three hour movie to effectively convey at least a 12 issue arc. Preferably, 100 issues.
-No matter how many lines of dialogue were in the comics that some might consider silly, expect every line in the movie to be Ibsen. Remember, you've blocked out all that silliness.
-Expect the movie to be an exact recreation of what you imagined. Otherwise, it's total crap.
-There is no room for the filmmaker's own creativity. You are paying to see something that is exactly how you imagined it. It makes complete sense why someone would want to pay to see something they already imagined.
-Make sure you know effective adjectives for later describing elements of the film. Right now, "Amazing' and "Horrible" are in vogue. So if is someone says a movie you disliked is "good" say it is "horrible". "Horrible" trumps any positive adjective when describing a comic movie, except "amazing". If you say a movie is "horrible" but the other person says it's "amazing" that is an adjective stalemate. You might then go on to say the movie is an "abortion", but it's not certain right now how effective that is. (It does at least show what a logical and analytical person you are that you compared a comic book movie to one of the most traumatic events that can possibly happen. Good job.)
-of course, "It sucks!" is another compelling argument.
-No matter how many issues of the comic showed the characters involved in whimsical situations, if the characters in the movie become involved in whimsical situations, it is required while watching that you bury your face in your hands and let out a loud groan for all to hear and be impressed by your sense of realism.